Short Update.

Sorry I do mean to regularly update this as something I plan to carry through because even that one post was in its way therapeutic to me.

Despite my unfounded ever eternal ever silly ever unrewarded optimism, D’s attitude has gotten from worst to worstest (yes yes call the Webster dictionary police) . In the past I asked him multiple countless of times if what he wanted was an open relationship, and if it was then we should go our separate ways as adults cos that is absolutely NOT what I want. When I find something that is precious or important to me. I hate sharing. Call me spoilt call me selfish whatever. But over the past year and a half he forced me to accept that he was continually sleeping with others despite vehemently still denying he was until he was caught and still saying the same reason, “He doesn’t know why.” I’m frustrated, I’m absolutely devastated and heartbroken. And he would not come home for days although I tell him as a partner he could not do that especially in some nights he doesn’t call or return texts and doesn’t answer and i inadvertently worry that he might have been in an accident or something worse and I worry just as how you would worry Bout someone you love. But he would most of the time be sleeping with someone else.

I know at this point I sound like a befuddled idiotic masochist with love goggles on because I am. I know I allowed this to happen too. But the alternative was losing him and it hurts when I remember the love we used to have. He would tell him I am the only person he ever loved and things so sappy like he would protect me with every fibre of his being. Not anymore. Not even being kind to me anymore.

Hence now I cast doubt on these most precious memories of my life. Deep down I know I’ve lost him but I keep asking him and he keeps saying he still loves me and wants this to work . But I believe he is having and affair . WHY? Because I was there when he was having one one and half years ago with me. Yes I was the “mistress” but I didn’t know it at that time that’s another story for another time. Almost at work now I want to keep writing but I will when I get home from work later.

When I get sad I listen to sappy Chinese love songs I leave u with one that I relate to at this min in its original Mandarin glory and it’s (rough) English translation

手放开 (Letting Go of your Hand)

我给你最后的疼爱是手放开

The last act of love I have for you is letting go

不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海

Don’t let there be an oceans distance apart in our bed meant for two

感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白

Let time wash away this stain of our relationship

Advertisements

It was the end that had no beginning

Albeit this is my very first post, it felt like it should have been my 100th or my 1000th, long overdue, lived the story and is too tired to even tell it because I have been broken down bit by bit, day by day. I’d like to keep my reiterations as factual as possible, but truth of the matter is I have poured my heart and soul into this man, and for a moment in time I truly believed it when he told me I was his first love and when he changed, I waited patiently for that man I met to come back but I am terrified that he is lost forever. Disclaimer: I am far from perfect. But in the past when I had a good job, I didn’t need any approval from anyone, I was happy in my own world, then he made me happy in his.

I’d like to say that this blog is not smear campaign of any sort. But as all literary pieces go, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. So to each his own. I can only say, he has brought up to me for us to go seek help in the form of counselling and a psychologist before. But it never comes to fruition and I am frustrated. I have no one to talk to because he is supposed to be my best friend but he is always incommunicado whether he is physically present or not. I want someone to lament to, to see these tears I shed (although its now in the form of words) alone in the dark of our apartment in the Melbourne CBD. The saddest thing is I am abused and broken and emotionally brusied probably beyond repair, but I remember the love I thought we had, and it makes me ache I know I am all of the former things, but yet I allowed it to happen because its him. So between a rock and hard place in terms of gathering any sort of sympathy eh. Thats the way the cookie crumbles.

Cast and Crew (of 2 people)

As all fairytales, massacres, tragedies, the 2347286482764234 janet evanovich crime thriller, stories go. Let’s get to know the cast of the D and J show.

Ladies First Naturally , So its me, J.

Hey quoting Rupaul. If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else. I love you Rupaul, seriously I do, but if only it was that simple.

I am J. Mid 30s this year. Asian. Originally from a southeast asian country, but have been living in Australia since 2005. Moved to Western Australia for my University degree. Life was simple there, and dont they always say hindsight is a bitch. I was young, younger then. I looked down on simple and then made the mistake that millions of hopeful actors do, move to hollywood, NO, moved across the country after 2 years out of Uni to seek change, and more activity. Like I said, hindsight, a bitch. Should have stayed bored and content in happytownperth. I graduated with a health degree, a respectable one and worked my first two years postgraduate at now looking back at it, was my dream job even in that moment then years ago. Sometimes even doing hours like from 5am to 9pm 5 days in a row and half days on Saturdays, Not. Even. Exaggerating. But I loved every moment of it. Although you do hear me complain and my colleagues complaining, I know we do it with genuine mirth, because if at that time we could marry work like Beyonce said and put a literal ring on it, I can bet you my PlayStation4 that 95% of us would. And the pay was not exactly any discentive lol.

Author’s Side Note : Just a quick apology if during points of different posts in this blog seems to jump from date to date year to year story to story. It is just because I feel like I have so much to… “therapeutise” over, and it has been such a long overdue outlet that I don’t know where to start, So I am writing wherever my fingers and my head and my, not anatomical heart leads me.

I’m sure as I pour my heart out over more posts, my nutjob profile would be illuminated, hey I’m the first to admit that and I never used to care and that was one of the things that D used to love about me. Used to.

Anyway quick gist of it before the wall of text puts you all to a dreamland featuring the Real Housewives of the World, hey, one man’s trash another man’s treasure. Please Judge Away.

I moved to Melbourne with one of my ex’s that I met in Perth at that time 2 years after coming out of University. Work didn’t go so well here, another sore topic, me and that ex broke up. Met another guy who I went out with for over a year, and during the course of this said relationship of the new guy I met in Perth. I met D.

Funnily (or not) enough, out of boredom sometime last year, I tried to write the great Australian love story. The counterpart to the great american love story. Of course, protagonists were me and D. I had such a great prelude to it I reckon, quoting “A tale of 2 cities” It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Could not have put it any better myself. D,, and he is aware cos I have told him this so many times, is the best thing and the worst thing that has ever happened to me, the latter description was of course only in more recent months.

I had gone to the country town where D resided with the guy I was seeing then for a weekend staycation at one of their hotels. Lets call the town… Lalallat. It was our 2nd and last night at the hotel and we were tired and of course toey a.k.a not so code for horny. And then started chatting to D on one of the infamous apps (C’mon you all know which one) earlier in the day but only met him later at night when he drove to the hotel. Under the label of a “massage”? lol right. Like i said Judge away. I KNOW YOU DO THAT TOO. YES YOU THE ONE READING RIGHT NOW. 😛

But I digress. It was a cool night in Lalallat. I was standing out in the street in my skimpy white AussieBum running shorts (well clearly intentional of course for D’s benefit) and then he pulled up in his Utility. No there was no sudden press the slow motion button as he got out of the car, no slow wind blowing through the hair, no cheesy gloria estefan music singing in the background. But the absence of that made it even more surreal because this man was and to this very day absolutely stunning in everyway ( u know I mean from a first look skin deep superficial assessment at that time when he got out of the car cos I didn’t know him apart from a bar of soap).

But it wasn’t just his looks, (Hello?!? that is clearly the only criteria when people use these apps let’s face it) but now looking back, the way he carried himself enamoured me. And if you ask him today, he will tell you that i don’t get enamoured by people easily. And later on in our relationship, he revealed a similar wavelength of sentiment within a similar timeline. You know, truly not saying I don’t believe in fate or destiny or love at first sight or things like that that make you got puke in the night, but I admit I have been skeptical of it, however, like in medicine, I always try to remember that there arent any absolutes in most things and if you don’t keep an open mind something you can miss out.

D – Caucasian male. Super Duper Tall (love it). When we met, he told me he was in his early 40s, but well, let’s just say he IS in his 40s, haha, and no, I am not poking at him, I do love that we had that story, and if you reading this tell me people don’t lie on the internet about their age, then sorry gurl, you all ready to had herses. He actually does not even know the actual metric measurement for his height (cos he never had it done) so only a ballpark figure. Tanned. Toned. Kindest grey eyes ( which I always tell him is a sign of wisdom – see Athena, Goddess of Wisdom eyes), witty. oh so bloody intelligent, and many other features that i came to know that are also endearing. One of which I hold dear dear dear to my heart was the way he used to look at me a couple months after we knew each other. He could not keep his eyes off me and that made me feel precious at that time to him, like I said I usually did not need anyone’s validation, but it was really nice to have his then.

I know that I am gushing about D and so what I am. Because he is a man I feel in my heart and for the first time in my life, that is worth gushing about. Like he always used to say to me, Don’t have to be perfect, but was perfect for me. And I never told him this but I agree with that sentiment, to of course that mold of our relationship at that particular time, as it progresses on things change and ideations change don’t they and that happens in every relationship I’d like to think common sense dictates.

And this light headedness and giddiness I have towards him (No friends its not hypoglycaemia or an aura), is why I’ve willingly endured waiting for that D, that D who looked at me with love to look at me that way again and .. I can’t believe I just let that memory disrail my writhing writing. But its painful, agonising, excruciating and for the first time in my life, I am at a loss because fast forward to today, I don’t understand or really, I don’t see where his intentions are anymore. And i hate that. …

It has been a draaaaaaaag on of a post… I will have a short break here . But fortunately (or unfortunately shrug if thats the case then why are you still reading?), slowly getting our story or rather our story from my POV, I hope helps heal. I reiterate this is always going to be a story of love, not a smear campaign not vindictiveness, but from my POV, the story told started out with love and till this very second and this very word written, I am still brimming with love for him.

—- Urk Urk, J 10/6/2019 9.10am Penned as I am waiting for him to come home since he told me he would have at 4am.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

Create your website at WordPress.com
Get started